Graham of Anywhere
Graham's blog: politics, poetry, and introspection

Failure | ‘Thirty-something, gay, and single’ and ‘Underestimated’

Thirty-something, gay, and single

Reaching the big three-o is a disconcerting milestone. It's a line in the sand, I think, when it comes to dating -- or more specifically, online dating. It's been harder since then. Now I'm three years on. 33, and still single. It's hard not to view that as a failure. So many others, gay and straight, have managed to find the one for them. But not I. I'm not the only one, of course. Far from it. But it's getting more difficult. To find dates. To find the courage. To find the hope.

I’d love to say that’s okay because I’m independent and relatively financially secure and because I still have ambition. I’d love to think that I could live happily until such time as I find something more, if indeed I ever do. But, it would be a lie. There’s only one thing I really want, and there’s only ever been one thing: love. Most humans want the same. Do most humans succeed? I don’t know. I know that it takes a lot of courage each and every time. I know that I have less patience now. I know that relationships are always years apart. I know that I won’t settle in a relationship without love. And that I will continue to search for that. And I will continue to see it slip through my fingers.


Meanwhile, everywhere I turn right now, I feel underestimated. Sometimes I feel stupid, granted, and I very often think there’s a game going on around me that I just cannot play. It’s political and it doesn’t always occur to me fast enough that I should have played a card. But, ultimately, I know I’m not stupid.

Everyone is always so risk-averse, and everyone tries to dissuade me from taking risks. I’d love someone to help push me. Someone to say “fuck it, you want to do it, then try it”. Alas, I’m pretty confident I’ll make myself do it in the end. If I listened to most people, I’d never have built anything interesting.

And I want to build again. One of the things I do love about work is walking around the various offices and seeing a hundred people using the disparate products that I’ve created — either designed or personally built. And I can’t say it’s not recognised, because it is, just not by anyone who I’d need to recognise it. To those people, I’d very much like to point out that it didn't happen by accident.

Don’t underestimate me. I’m a good guy, sure, and I’m not a skilled politician, sure, and I don’t talk a lot, sure, but I’m more than capable of working out what is required — especially when the users themselves do not know. I know I need to bite the bullet and do what’s best for me now.
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