The more I allow myself to think about it, the more I realise I'm not as sorted as I think I am, not as sorted as I think I should be. My loneliness, sadness, and resignation, has probably got a lot to do with my sexuality. On the face if it, I have absolutely no issue being gay and I'm out to anyone, but I've never felt supported and even to this day I suppress it around my family. And as was pointed out in a recent article I read, the gay community does a very bad job of providing that support too. People learn isolation. It's cultivated and perpetuated internally. It's maybe not my own failing. Maybe this isn't all about my failure to get over the breakup of my parents and my mum's subsequent depression and suicidal thoughts. It's maybe not pathetic to still be suffering under the weight of my teenage years. Maybe I just need to accept that it all fucked me up a bit and it'll take more time and I'm not sorted and I don't have to pretend that I am.
Maybe I need to be honest. I need to confront the pain. But I really don't know how. The idea of counselling seems completely alien. Even tonight when I felt like crying over some dood I only knew for a month this time last year. Even when I look at myself in the mirror and feel disillusioned. Even when I realise I'm barely working or being productive because I can't bring myself to care. Maybe this is why I believed in QA, and why I continued to run it well beyond the time that I'd lost the emotional strength required for such a heavy responsibility. The community -- my community -- with strong egalitarian values, was the only place for me initially, and for others later, to share their souls without the fear of rejection. Without fear.
But, I needed so much more. I did need and do need someone to hold me tight. Someone to help take the pain away. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be saved. I don't want to be saved. But I need to be helped.
I feel like I've been set-up to fail over and over again. No guidance, no support, no encouragement. I feel like I was only ever going to be a disappointment. And I've carried all that with me.
I needed more. From my parents, from my friends. And I've never expected it from a boyfriend. I only felt that two ever got close to seeing all this. And I didn't yet see it myself. I still so badly want to reject the idea of being anything other than sorted. Because I want to lead. And I want to reject the idea that I need to find "the dood" to help me. Because I want equality and independence and I don't want to be an emotional drain.
But my needs now are the same as they ever were. It's just that the reasons are becoming clearer. I need to be able to bare all and discuss this and have someone digest it, and remember it, and carry it with them. And I'd take their history and put that on my shoulders. And we'd maintain balance and foster honesty. And I so hope that I don't have to go through the stress of getting naked in front of someone new too many more times. Every time it takes its toll. No games, no expectation, no confusion, just openness. I need openness.
Graham's blog: politics, poetry, and introspection