Some Ponderful Reflections

Well hello. So, it's 2005, I'm 22 years old, and this site has been on the go in various forms for the last six years. Yep. It's strange how six years really doesn't seem like such a long time, yet the gap between 16 and 22 years old seems like a lifetime. So much has changed; cities, jobs, friends, boyfriends, and of course, myself. It's a huge transition period and, for me, it will probably turn out to be one of the most influential times in my life. I hope, anyway. I promise though, that this is not going to be yet another self-analytical rant. Well, it will be, who am I kidding.

Transition is the theme. There is a huge sense of irony in the fact that when you are 16 years old, you desperately want to be 18, and when you're 18 you can't wait to be 21 - especially I guess if you're American and can't legally drink till then (!), then of course logic denotes you'll reach the age of 22, at which point you'll wish you were 16 again. The one condition is that you can return to 16, with all the knowledge and experience you have at 22. That isn't intended to be patronising, but I guess I started the learning curve pretty late, and in those six years I went from a quiet introverted kid to a confident and relatively self-assured wannabe kid. So it's positive progress. I've lived, and I've learned. And I'm happier now having done so. The aging part hasn't gone down quite so well though, as I may have made clear already. While skim-reading topics in Mod-mode, I caught one member say "Being 22 is like being 38 in gay years". Cheers for the confidence booster, hehe. Yet I think it's maybe true. Sadly. But I donno, I'm sure we all have someone out there who loves us for who we are and what we each represent.

Either way, time is a precious thing, and we don't have enough of it to be wasted on apathy, and acceptance of the crap parts of life. To every problem, there is a solution. And we shouldn't sit around waiting for life to change direction. Your life, your decisions. You instigate the transition. Choose to leave school, get a job and move out, or even move away. Choose to stick out school, and go to College or University. Or, whatever. Choose a plan. Sounding a bit Trainspotting-esque. Point is that it doesn't matter, we all have our own paths to take, and nothing happens over-night. If you have a direction in mind, you'll know roughly where you wanna be, and if you don't lose sight of that then you'll figure out how to get there in the end. Despite the random stuff that life will throw at you along the way.

If of course your aim is love, well then you're in the same boat as all the rest of us. And none of the stuff above applies. Because love just doesn't work that way. It's gotta be the most random and the most unpredictable part of life. Some find it easily, some don't, but it's got very little to do with anything other than luck, and I believe it comes around for all of us. Love is no-doubt a learning curve all of its own, a transition that maybe never ends at all. I donno. I could muse forever on this subject, but I'm a romantic-in-denial and I still feel slightly lost on this subject, so anything I do say tends to be even more abstract and nonsensical than my usual style. Boys, boys, boys - irritating creatures! Hehe.

The underlying theme is independence. Something I believe strongly in, despite the fact I need a boy. It's a contradiction, I know. However, the step from changing from being quasi-independent (being in control of your own life, but being reliant on parents for money/a home) to being fully independent is a big thing. But it's a fantastic thing. I mean, for those of us lucky enough to have supporting parents, we should embrace that and stick together, but in the long run we are in control of our destinies, and we should force ourselves to make our own decisions and to sort out our own problems if we can. Always be brave, and do stuff that scares you; "leave your comfort zone" from time to time and push your own boundaries - you can do more than you think you can. For me, I guess a good example was leaving home and going off to Uni at 18. Academically, I've done pretty bad I think (haven't got my overall grade through yet), but it really doesn't matter to me anymore. It was my catalyst, and it changed me. There's many things I'd loved to have done differently, but I wouldn't have changed my Uni experience for the world.

Friends. Some will come and go with the tides, and that's OK, it's a natural transition. Some you'll miss, some you won't, as it'll become clear that true friends always give and take in equal amounts. Equality. That's something you can demand when you feel independent, especially with any kind of relationship, because you won't feel the need to take shit from anyone. Yeah, the independence thing is definitely important. It also ties into the basic principal of not following the crowd for the sake of it, or jumping on bandwagons just because everyone else has. Although I try to write original ponderings, you'll have to forgive me then, for any clichéd philosophies thus far. But. It never does any harm to reinforce the wisdom of our elders.

Em. So where am I at with this article of sorts? Transitions, yeah. Everything changes. I've singled out a certain six years of my life, the last six years. Pretty much neatly from coming out to graduating from University. But that's not where it stops, as I have no idea where the next six years will take me. And indeed the transitions I've been talking about will happen at completely different times for everyone - but they won't necessarily happen automatically. Sometimes you gotta give yourself that shove, because you'll thank yourself for it later. And I guess that's the vague moral behind all of this. Yeah.

Bed time. Night night.

PS: I know that ponderful isn't actually a word, but I don't care :p

Written between midnight and 4am this morning.