I love being productive. Writing, designing, coding, or otherwise creating. And I love going out and meeting people. Having fun. And generally not wasting my time. I like to do things, as much as I like to laze about and chill out for a while. A mix of all of the above is what I'm all about.
But when I'm sad, when I'm down, all of that seems to grind to a halt. So much so that all I ever wanna do is sleep. And given the chance, that's exactly what I'll do. I sleep when I'm sad. Probably something to do with the fact that when I'm alseep I don't have to think. When I'm asleep I'm not mulling over life and everything that I want to change.
It annoys me. Really it does. I feel like my time is worth so much more than this. I hate the feeling that I'm wasting away hours and days. But it lasts for weeks. Maybe it lasts indefinately. Until something changes, or until I manage to change something. Change my outlook I guess.
I'm uncontent with my job. I resent that I'm grossly underpaid. I resent that I have no money. I'm uncontent living in Stirling. I need to get back to the city. And the crunch, the real admittance - I'm lonley. I am lonely. I'm an independant dude, but even still. As put by Idlewild, "I created myself to be on my own, but I didn't expect to be alone". I wish it didn't affect me. But it does. Maybe that in itself is sad. I donno. I can't forget the past either. I'm stuck.
Graham's blog: politics, poetry, and introspection