Graham of Anywhere
Graham's blog: politics, poetry, and introspection

Wasting The Best Years

I've spent a night watching depressing American TV. New series of One Tree Hill, and Brothers & Sisters. It's good stuff, I like depressing television and films, and music. But what exactly does that say about me?

It's loneliness. It's an inability to let love in. It's a desire to wallow in that state. But I do wanna be happy, really I do. I just don't know how. I don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin.

It's like teenage angst. But I'm 24. Spending my youth (yeah I'm not an adult, nopes) wasting away the best years. I don't wanna wait till I'm 40 to have everything figured out. Where on earth is the point in that?

I'm totally impatient. And totally isolated. And totally aware of moseying along in a life not lived. And. And. And sifting through all my entries this year, I'm so very conscious that I'm spending all my time contemplating the path to take like a totally lost puppy dog hunting for love.
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b*u*b*r*y*   humm... sounds to me like you need to just go with the flow for a while and not in the big questions of life flow way only the wee things way. You should totally come out and play, let your mind wonder and see where it takes you. We're all impatient, I know I am.

We're waiting in line for that great club and its a long line but we are impatient and we want to go somewhere else, but what we should do is make the most of it and turn it to our advantage. We should dance in the street.

Nothing is wrong with not knowing, I don’t know...yes yes, and even the best of us don’t know hehehe its true. ;o) There is something wrong however, with never knowing and never letting yourself know.
b*u*b*r*y*   ooo... taking of making the most of it... it was 6 years ago today (11th july) that i had my kidney transplant from my mum. How amazing! x
h*c*   (Your blog title? V. depressing...)

Gary's second paragraph was so wise. If you always think about where you're going next and how to get there, you forget where you are now...and you do waste your life away like that. I would say you know exactly how to pick things up, you just don't want to do it. Change isn't going to come by sitting around and contemplating it. Go out with your friends every night - call THEM for a change!-, learn a new hobby, put 100% into your job (or get a new one if it's not where you want to be!), start running or going to the gym, ask that girl/guy out, and enjoy every minute of all of those things. It's so easy...but it's up to you :]. You don't figure yourself out and THEN live live life and in the process figure yourself out.
V*z*r*t*   Dance like noones watching.
Live every day like it's your last.
Take some time to smell the roses.
You lika do da chacha.....yeah didn't think that one out...

But I could trow cliches all day. Listen, just do something, anything. ^^ It doesn't have to be anything big, jsut something you wanna do. Hell if you want to just sit around watching tv, there's nothing wrong with it. Basically just do what you want to, don't let apprences make you worry. Hell if you wanna make something of yourself kick your arse in gear get up and let your imagination run wild, the sky isn't a limit, it's a suggestion hehe. (p)

...heyy...ima add that to my sig...
s*n*i*h*p*   I think you've gotten some great advice here.

I can relate a lot to what you have said, but for me, this withdrawal was a symptom of my depression. But there's always been a part of me that gets so sick of inertia that I just had to break free.

So for me, it was all about taking a risk, testing myself in life and with other people. I was a small, geeky dude more on the homely-to-cute side...the kind of guy most people wouldn't notice. So, I figured nobody would go for me. A friend of mine slapped my face and snapped, "How dare you think for everyone else! How dare you not give other people a chance to decide whether you're attractive or not and whether you're worth knowing or not." Ouch.

He was right. Given the chance, people will show you how wonderful you are if you let them and if you really open your eyes. Standing in the mirror of your mind and deciding all these things about yourself is just ... so one-sided.

You gotta learn to cope with stuff--both the good and the bad. And to do that, you have to be in the world and let it happen. You'll discover that you can actually do it, that you can handle it, and that it all gets easier the more you practice life.

To quote Gary: "There is something wrong with never knowing and never letting yourself know."

Jump in. The water's fine!

g*u*   Cheers for all your input. Is appreciated, Esp Gary. The guiding light somehow.

I do have a very sociable job. I punch above my weight and age and salary. I make things happen. I'm not depressed and I am productive as much as I can be. And I do push myself. I go to the gym. I develop this website. I keep myself relatively occupied.

But I've been without inspiration for so long. There is a point, which I reached years ago, when you do really need some help; hugged and appreciated. Inner strength only pushes you so far, and it certainly doesn't provide happiness.

I guess it is about finding love. Letting go of what went prior. And taking the risk. That's it, in the end. I don't wanna be alone. And I need to be open to possibilities. But I know the possibilities ain't here, and I still need to make yet another jump. It's finding the energy. It's a whole load of things.

It isn't just whining for the sake of it. And it isn't easily solvable. And for an independent person, it really sucks that I feel I need that external influence to help me through. It's my Achilles heal.

And so forth. Heh. All sounds melodramatic and tedious. I certainly don't have much energy to deal with this kind of drivel, so I do appreciate your responses.

I'll get there in the end. As will we all. We all find our place in the end.