Gary and I have broken up. It's a sad situation but I can't hack the distance. We're about six hours apart and travel is expensive. I was only seeing him about once a month maybe, during what I felt were surreal and tiring visits. I'm pretty sure that our paths will cross again but in the mean time, we'll remain friends. It'll all be fine, we're telling ourselves.
On the flip side, it may give us a chance to focus on what we're doing. He's got work to produce for the biggest show of his degree and a decision to make regarding what's he's going to do after graduation. 350 miles south, I'm trying to figure out whether to remain with Cine, or try harder to move on. I'll maybe end up living in London, either way. That's exciting I think, I know I'd like to do that. I don't think I'm ready to return to Scotland.
Although I have insecurities regarding my job and my place within Cine, I have a lasting love of cinema. I would like to be part of the transitions that we're on the verge of. Its maybe worth the current tedium and the precarious position of fall-guy. Every hour of repetition and every situation resulting in, through no fault of my own, egg on the face adds another level to the resentment I feel. It seems like a high price to pay sometimes.
I dream of running a capitalist yet philanthropic organisation. A company that focusses on independent cinema, music and art with a mainstream edge. A picture house come live venue come cafe bar in a slick, professional setup. A commercial venture which generates enough money to plough back into the company, its people, and its neighbourhood. An organisation that understands the true value of friendship, generosity, and of course, honesty. Why? Because we all know that firms managed by fear add nothing to their worth as an employer or as part of a community.
Is that idealist? Not at all. Is that possible? Undoubtedly. Is that a realistic goal for a wee, semi-geek, indie-rock loving allrounder with little business experience? Lets be vaguely optimistic and say: time will tell.
Graham's blog: politics, poetry, and introspection