I feel quite sad today. I woke up late and didn't get in to work until 11am, which is an hour late because I rarely get in before 10. I was in the office alone and the phones just kept ringing. Our office isn't the nicest of places at the best of times; we're buried in a building and there is no natural light. I had a day of tedious orders and invoices ahead of me. I just really didn't want to be there.
My skin is really bad. Dry and itchy from head to toe pretty much. It crawls when you're hot and getting hot is easy because my skin is lathered in oily moisturising cream which doesn't seem to work well with the sweating process? I don't know. I feel pretty uncomfortable though. Can't sleep, can't work, can't think.
I'm deliberately avoiding people right now. Self-conscious about my skin and lacking the energy to communicate. I find it hard to live life sometimes. I find it hard to see the bigger picture. I'm struggling to motivate myself because I have no passion for this job, company, town.
I'm trying to escape but I'm failing. Miserably. I'm a nice guy, good with people, intelligent and well-educated with some good, varied experience. However, I seem totally unable to convince employers that they need me. Perhaps I have an issue convincing myself that others need me.
I'd quite like to be self-assured and happy-go-lucky. I'd quite like to have, more often, the confidence that I very occasionally feel. Getting stressed, and down, and stuck in a rut just seems all too easy for me. It's annoying because I have an inner drive and passion that can't be used here. It's abused instead. My bank balance and enthusiasm have been zeroed, taking my patience with it.
I'd like to live a day in the life of another boy. A gay boy though, of course. :)
Graham's blog: politics, poetry, and introspection