Grum's Words 7: DTM
My friends back in Edinburgh would, I'm sure, know what these poems are all about, if they ever happened to read them. I'll admit now, all the same, that this page revolves entirely around a certain Mr. D.T.M., even although I guess they'd be pretty revealing if he were ever to read them.
But time passes, and people move on, bit by bit, without necessarily ever reaching the point where it's completely irrelevant. But the following is the truth, this is really how I felt...
Graham, 2 August 2004
Finding The Courage
Was just thinkin about stuff...
It's true, it isn't easy
To face the World
When you're weary, or
When you're wary
It isn't always simple,
Standing your ground
Against those with the power,
Or at least the power perceived
It can be difficult
To say what you wanna say,
To those who need to hear it,
And to those who'd rather not
Yet more difficult still
To modify for the audience,
To omit the crucial details,
When it goes against the grain
It's hard for the joker
To admit he's down
It's tricky being subdued
When you're ecstatic inside
It's tough for the cold-hearted
To show their love
It's scary saying "I Love You"
When you really mean it
But life was never meant
To be straight-forward
Finding the courage.
It's just designed
To take time.
03/05/2002 © 2002
The random, suitably burried, wee paragraph on Graham's Words 7
Right now I'm feeling so deflated, so empty, stressed and upset. I hate exams. I hate studying. I hate pressure. I hate being grrr, like I'm just annoyed with everyone and everything. I hate having three homes. I hate hearing about their relationship problems. I hate the depression. I hate the self-inflictive-ness. I hate myself for being the same. I hate love, but love all the same. I hate uncertainty. I hate falling out. It's so not me. I hate hurting, and hurting others. I hate attention, after I've attracted it. I was never meant to attract it. I hate being my own worst enemy. "Don't let me get me." I hate and I love. Story of everyone's life, except mine I thought. What on earth is going on in my head... think I'm in one of those scary counter-productive complicated phases... bugger.
This sounds formal, and not-in-touch. Sigh. Didn't really work as I'd hoped, but it's here for reference, to remind me of what I was trying to say; but whether that was the truth, or just what I wanted to be truth, is a different matter.
So it's over, this time for real
Both foreseen and expected
Both keen and almost accepted
In the name of sensibility at least
Thinking differently, when the time came
Both difficult and scary
Both hurt and kinda empty
After the slow realisation
Had meant more, more than I understood
Both missed and heartened
Both the first and most important
Have learnt more, more than without you
Decision made, with little intervention
Both encouraged and regreted
Both condemned and commended
Resulting in a rushed implementation
Feels unclosed, something unfinished, yet
Both behind, and backlit
Both in-mind, and over it
Though need for friendship still applies
Autumn 2002 © 2002
This one is called 'The Boy'... written on Independence Day... maybe aptly?
You've been in my head, ever since that party,
Even when we split, even when I moved, even now,
ten months on.
You're the most beautiful boy in the world,
And the most unafraid to do exactly what you want,
And I'll always love you for being you.
Wish I'd told you all this at the time,
Wish I hadn't been so scared to let you know,
Wish I'd appreciated you, appreciated us.
It's all so different now, you have your own life,
And I'm happy that you're happy. Your smile makes me happy.
But you don't need me, and I don't think you want me.
And I feel stoopid thinking about it, unable to move on,
And I'm scared that if you knew you'd think I was sad,
But maybe that wouldn't matter, coz maybe it's true.
But I'm back in your city, and I know it won't be for long,
But when I see you out, I feel the love, and I feel the fear again,
And I get that sick feeling in my tummy.
Then I get upset and run for the exit, which I never reach,
Coz you've been in my head, ever since that party,
Even when we split, even when I moved, even now.
04/07/2003 © 2003